Bongo in Congo
Bongo in Congo is a story written by Vera with assistance from Yelo, Dwarrior and Venom starring the members of Habitat and others that was published in The Scape Lounge on Sals. Cast H.A.B.I.T.A.T.: Venom - Johnny Depp (Hot shot) Vera - Keira Knightley (Cook, token woman) Yelo - Robert Downey Jr. (Leader) Man - Charlton Heston (Veteran) Dwarrior - Edard Norton (Hotshot) Gillis - Mel Gibson (Jewjitsu ninja) Fshi - Christian Bale (Big guns) Matt - Ed Helms (Tech guy) The B-Team (Mercenaries): Fraff - Jude Law (Leader) Raz - Denzel Washington Definition - George Clooney Goliath - Clay Aiken Blad - Matthew McConaughey Steve - Tom Cruise Lilshu - Hugh Jackman Darren - Brad Pitt The Nigerian Vanguard: Niger - Eddie Murphy (Prince of Africa) Redicaluss - Wayne Brady Topdog - Jonah Hill Swagga - George Lopez Fruityfed - Christopher Mintz-Plasse Team Imperial: Scrum - Tom Felton Kingy - Rupert Grint Poke - Daniel Radcliffe _Ej - Matthew Lewis Pixel Bunnie - Madonna Celtic - Jason Statham Fatalysm - Elijah Wood Binneh - Sean Connery Sparhawke - Hugh Grant SlashingUK - Liam Neeson Misc. Dani - Neil Patrick Harris in a bear costume Mutt - Jonathan Lipnicki Po22 - Michael Cera Falconilize - Macaulay Caulkin Finisterra - Antonio Banderas Yuanrang - Alan Rickman Meidou - Jet Li Regret - Joe Jonas Nadson - Bruce Willis Adam? - Arnold Schwarzenegger jack-nicholson - Jack Nicholson Noisia - Russell CroweTwist of Fate - Seth Rogen Part I: Beast of the East Part I: Beast of the East NEW YORK CITY, 1730 HOURS In a shady old station wagon, two agents budged through the traffic of Manhattan. Behind the wheel was Matt, dressed conservatively with a white collar and khaki slacks. In the passenger seat sat Yelo, casually wearing a wifebeater and jeans, with a gun strapped to his right thigh. Yelo looked at his phone in frustration. "This device is supposed to have reception all across the world, save a few remote areas. I never knew NEW YORK CITY was a remote area. Can you do anything, Matt?" Matt shook his head. "I could definitely work on it when we get back to headquarters, but now is not the time. We're getting close to 125th." Matt parked the car with ease. He and Yelo exited, and walked into a dirty old bar. Yelo peered around searchingly. "Is anyone named Adam... Adam... Adam Questionmark, is anyone named Adam Questionmark here?" From out of a corner, a shirtless Adam stood. He flexed his Schwarzenegger biceps and removed his sunglasses. "YES, I AM AHH-DUM. AND YOU ARE?" Noticing Yelo's gun, Adam put a hand on his gun, which rested in his back pocket. "You're a lot bigger than I thought..." mumbled Yelo. He flashed a badge. "My name is Yelo, and this is Matt. We're here on behalf of H.A.B.I.T.A.T. Now, Adam, let's cut to the chase. What do you know about the Yakuza?" Adam nervoulsly looked around the room. He quickly drew his gun and fired a single shot, hitting Matt in the foot. "HOLY MOTHER LOVER!" screamed Matt, as he fell to the floor. Distracted, Yelo looked down at Matt as Adam ran out of the bar. MUMBAI, 1730 HOURS Passing through the slums, Vera and Fshi peeked into an alley. Alarmed by what they saw, they slowly entered. "Darren!" yelled Vera. "Oh, well, hellllllloooo there, Vera." Darren grinned at her. "#$%& !@^*!" barked Fshi. Darren glanced at Fshi in confusion, but quickly comprehended his words. "Alright, Darren. You know the underground of this world like the back of your hand. Tell me, you mercenary, what do you know about the Yakuza?" Vera waved a hand to Fshi. Fshi reached to the ground and grabbed a big rifle. He aimed it at Darren. "No need to get guns around here! Look, Vera... I'll be honest, I've never worked for the Yakuza. Why the hell are you going to Mumbai to learn about a Japanese syndicate, anyways?" "Well, Darren, why are you in Mumbai?" "I'm an Australian. Do I really need to explain myself?" LAS VEGAS, 2000 HOURS Venom and Dwarrior walked up to the bartender, dressed in fine tuxedos. Dwarrior handed the bartender a fifty-dollar bill. "Barkeep! Give us each the best glass of wine we can get for fifty bucks." The bartender nodded and poured them their wine. "So, Dee." said Venom, as he and Dwarrior took their seats. "That was impressive playing. So, we'll split the five-thousand evenly?" Dwarrior shook his head as he sipped his wine. "The night is young, Venom. Give it a few hours and we'll have ten times as much cash." "That's a brilliant idea, Dwarrior." TOKYO, 2030 HOURS One of the Yakuza's finest men, Meidou, smoked his cigar in peace as he sat alone in his mansion. And then, from out of nowhere, he heard his window break. "JEWBOY STALE!" roared Gillis, as he jumped in through the window. He stood above Meidou, aiming his gun down. "Alright, Meidou. Tell us everything. We're onto your tricks." Man entered peacefully through Meidou's front door. "Meidou! How would the LORD feel about your life of crime?" Gillis quickly fired a shot at Meidou, hitting him in the chest. "Tell us the words!" "Gillis!" Man frowned. "Meidou has feelings too! Do you think George Bush would be happy with your actions?" Meidou cringed. "The... the... the four words. Britannia willum winnus FIFAS." his eyes shut as he passed out. "Man, do you know Latin?" "Of course! I read the bible every day! He said... 'Britain will win FIFA'." "...My G-d." Gillis stared at Man in shock. "This is... serious. We need to contact HQ immediately. But before then, let's search the mansion for any other incriminating evidence." ATLANTIS, THE UNDERSEA BASE, OUTSIDE OF ATLANTIC CITY, 2300 HOURS Matt sat on a couch, with a cast over his shot foot. Yelo took a seat next to him and looked across the room at his boss. "Sir, I'm not really sure what we should do next. The Yakuza investigation failed... and now we have a new threat on our hands." Stephen Colbert looked at Yelo with disappointment. "YELO. Now is not the time to worry about the Japanese. We have a new enemy we must deal with. Ever since the USA won FIFA, the British have been very anti-patriotic towards America. It is time for us to take action. Let's get everyone on the phone. Across the world, the agents of HABITAT answered their phones. "AGENTS. I need you all to be in Washington DC at precisely 1000 hours, eastern time. This is serious business." "But Mr. Colbert!" said Vera, "You told us we'd have a week to investigate the Yakuza." "@#$!%^&*#@%!" spoke Fshi. "Yes, Fshi, that's exactly the point. We've got a bigger problem now. I will see all of you tomorrow". The call ended. INSIDE THE CAPITOL BUILDING, WASHINGTON DC, 1120 HOURS "And that is why we must maintain our freedom, no matter what the cost. WE ARE AMERICA!" The crowd roared in applause as Stephen Colbert finished his speech. All across the room, the audience was crowded with notable politicians and military leaders. In box seating, the members of HABITAT, except for Dwarrior and Venom, relaxed, watching a large screen on stage flash on. George W. Bush appeared on screen. "My fellow Americans. Many of you misunderestimate the threat posed by the British Empire. To any patriotic and knowledgable American, it seems as if we should panic. But this is not the case. I ask that we limit the amount of military personnel used in this operation." While Bush spoke, Venom and Dwarrior entered the box section and sat down. They wore gold chains around their necks and grinned. Vera glared at Venom, and Venom responded. "Sorrrry, Vera... guess we were having too good of a time in Vegas." he high-fived Dwarrior. Bush continued his speech. "Most importantly of all... do not tell ANYONE about this terrorist threat from across the ocean. Sometimes, to protect the world from terrorism, we must do it discretely, so that the public does not panic. I leave this in your hands, HABITAT. Now, my fellow Americans, let us join in prayer. Dear Jesus H. Christ, God, the Virgin Mary, Moses, Adam, Eve, David, and all the angels and saints: It is time for American pride to defeat all the evils of this world, one step at a time. I pray that you guide HABITAT on their new mission, Operation BONGO. And most importantly, I pray that you improve AOL's customer service. Seriously, it took me two hours to get online last night. I'd really appreciate it if you could do something about that, or you know, at least hook up my house to a better ISP. Amen.""Amen." chanted the crowd. Part II - Bungle in the Jungle Part II: Bungle in the Jungle CONGO JUNGLE, 1420 HOURS Members of the B-Team were at work, setting up a campground in the middle of the jungle. A gang of Japanese thugs approached. In charge of these thugs was Meidou, who managed to survive his wounds. He appeared weak, but surprisingly functional. "B-TEAM!" shouted Meidou. At the sound of this, the team reached for their guns. Fraff and Definition reached for AK-47s. Raz and Blad grabbed their shotguns. Steve, Lilshu, and Darren picked up their assault rifles. Goliath picked up a small pistol. He looked around at the size of everyone else's guns and sighed in dissappointment. "What do you want, Yakuza?" barked Fraff. Meidou laughed. "Oh, we want nothing... just... the British sent us, and would rike to see you to work out a deal." KINSHASA, CONGO, 1400 HOURS In a military helicopter, HABITAT flew into Congo. As Matt prepared to fly into Kinshasa, Man spotted a potential danger. "Matt! Look out for TERRORISTS!" On the ground, a gang of Congo terrorists aimed a missile at the helicopter. "HABITAT!" said Yelo, getting everyone's attention. "We have no other options. It's time to parachute." In seconds, the eight agents were seen skydiving out of an exploding helicopter whilst eating tacos, smoking weed, having sex, and decapitating puppies. The children of Congo stared in awe at the awesomeness they had just witnessed. When they had at last landed, Man stood in front of the children and grinned. "Remembere, children! Don't do drugs, and follow Jesus!" SECRET UNDEGROUND BRITISH BASE CAMP, CONGO, 1520 HOURS Members of the Yakuza and the British military sat and stood around a long table. A British official turned on a screen, but there was no image. A voice came in. It was their anonymous leader. "Thank you, thank you. Now, we have problems we must deal with. I thank you, Yakuza, for your involvement, but we no longer need you. If we do, we'll let you know. You are dismissed." the Yakuza members nodded and exited the building. "So. It appears that the Americans are not willing to create total war. If we wish to defeat them, we must defeat them on their terms. I am asking that no members of the Empire's majestic army make any move unless I give the command." A woman's voice was heard in the background, but it wasn't loud enough to be understood. "Sir." A military man spoke up. "Who is that who is with you?" "Oh, shut up, you. What me and Queen Liz do is none of your business. AHEM. Anyways. This calls for Britain's finest. Scrum, Kingy, Poke, EJ, Celtic, Fatalysm, Binneh, Sparhawke, SlashingUK, and our lovely Australian friend, Pixel Bunnie. This team of ten is very capable of defeating HABITAT, but there's more." "More?" "You, the B-Team. You all have seen our offer. I will leave you alone and entrust you in doing what must be done. I could speak more to you, my fellow citizens of Britannia, but I am quite finished." CONGO RIVER, 1600 HOURS Stephen Colbert made a call to check up on his team. "HABITAT. Give me a status check. How is the mission going?" The members of HABITAT, except for Dwarrior, stood at a crummy old dock. Fshi answered. "#$@##%@#% ^&^@#% and #%@%@% this #$@%#!$!" "I see..." Stephen sighed. "Well, do you know when he'll be back?" And then, a luxurious river boat shot out towards HABITAT and stopped in front of the dock. Dwarrior jumped out from the captain's chair. "FREE BOAT RIDE FOR THREE! I'll take Venom aaaannddd..." Gillis interrupted by smacking Dwarrior in the face. "NO. We're all riding." CONGO RIVER, 1700 HOURS "#$@%!" shouted Fshi. He fired off a rocket into the riverside jungle, causing a fire. This was how Fshi was staying entertained for the past hour on the boat ride. Fshi attempted to do this again, but ran out of ammunition. "#$@#$ this &*^*#@%^% and #$*&#@$!" But to Fshi's delight, three planes flew by, setting ablaze the jungle he was unable to reach. From out of the sky, Poke, Scrum, and _Ej parchuted down to the boat. "USA SUCKS AT FOOTIE!" screamed an angry Scrum. Poke pulled out a mysterious crystal, agilely jumped up to the captain's seat and jammed it into the controls. The boat began to lose speed and the engine instantly stopped. In anger, Gillis, Dwarrior, and Venom respectively grabbed EJ, Poke, and Scrum and threw them overboard. "Give us a REAL challenge, Britain!" yelled Venom. In response, a small boat zipped up to them. From out of it, Binneh jumped onto the HABITAT boat. He pointed his cell phone and paralyzing waves emitted across the boat. Everyone aboard except Binneh was immobile. "Who are you?!?!" said Vera. "Shaken, not stirred... wait, wrong line. Ahem. The name's Binneh. Binneh... Binneh Binneh." Binneh picked up Vera and layed her belly down on top of the ship. He stood with one foot on Vera's back and a hand on his gun, pointed at her head. As he readied himself to fire, his cell phone fell out of his pocket. Venom used the only mobile part of his body, his head, to slam on the phone. It emitted a wave that removed his stun. He jumped up to the top of the ship and pushed Binneh overboard. He used the phone to free Vera from her stuns. "Vera!" "Venom!" she stood up and faced Venom. The two looked eachother in the eyes with passion. Venom looked down at everyone and nodded. "Ladies and gentlemen, Sir Elton John." CONGO RIVER, 1800 HOURS After the romantic standstill came to a close, Matt attempted to fix the boat. It was completely busted. He spoke to his teammates. "Alright, HABITAT... we're going to need help. Keep an eye out for anyone who might be able to guide us to the nearest town or village." "Village? This is no time to be racist, Matt!" said Man. He looked around and pointed at a man standing by the river. "Hey look! It's a Mexican! I wonder why he's here in Africa, LOL." The Mexican waved. "Hola! Yo soy Swagga. Tu necesitas ayuda?" Yelo nodded. "Si, necesito ayuda, por favor." "Sigueme." "Yelo, are you sure we can trust him?" asked Gillis. "Yes, Gillis, we must. He is the only man within miles of us. We'll have to trust a stranger.""I've got a baaaaad feeling about this." Gillis sighed. Part III - Boom Boom Doom Part III: Boom Boom Doom CONGO RIVER, 1810 HOURS "Listen up, HABITAT." said Yelo. "We can't all just go out for help. Some of us will stay here. Man, Venom, Matt - you three and me are going with this mysterious Latino man. Everyone else, stay behind and protect the ship. Gillis, you're in charge here." Yelo, Man, Matt, and Venom followed Swagga to his small motorboat. They departed further down the river. THE ROYAL PALACE OF AFRICA, 1900 HOURS Outside of a large, regal African palace in the middle of the jungle, three boys could be seen having a fun time. A speaker loudly played rock music. Topdog and Fruityfed air guitared like fools as their friend Redicaluss showed off his Jackson-esque dance moves. "This is a... a royal... are these the jesters?" asked Venom. "VENOM!" blurted Man. "You should be more tolerant of other cultures!!!" From out of the front door, the magnificent ruler stepped out. "GREETINGS, NEWCOMERS! I am Xraven, Prince of Niger, Monarch of all of Africa." "Good to meet you, Xraven, Prince of Niger." said Yelo. "Please, just call me Niger! Or Xraven. You Americans have important business, yes? Come inside." CONGO RIVER, 1900 HOURS Dwarrior and Gillis were engaged in a serious fist-fight. "Cut it out, you two!" yelled Vera. "Shut up, you damn half-Jew!" roared Gillis. "Now come on, Dwarrior. SAY THAT TO MY FACE." "#@$%!" said Fshi as a speeding boat came from down the river. It stopped next to HABITAT's broken ship. Four easily recognizable men - Lilshu, Definition, Blad, and Goliath - stood up from their seats. "Hello, HABITAT." said Lilshu. He, Blad, and Definition reached for rifles. Goliath found only a tiny pistol, and frowned. Gillis and Dwarrior broke up the fighting and every HABITAT member aboard armed themselves. "Why the guns?" asked Gillis. "We made an agreement, B-Team. So, how about you help us with our boat?" "We would, HABITAT, but we're here to alert you that the British are coming." Fshi boomed, "#%@% BRITISH ARE @#%%# **&&@%*@ COMING". A helicopter flew above the river. Sparhawke, SlashingUK, and Celtic jumped down, landing on the HABITAT boat with their manly glory. Sparhawke laughed. "Hereth, Americans, you've been nattering with horlicks in the ol' mulberry place, hannitya? S'pose a whoreson of your likes wants to sing a ding-dong? Take a gander down the upside? Hah! Bollocks, to all of you!" Gillis looked around nervously. "Well, B-Team, gonna lend us a hand?" "Not exactly." said Goliath. While HABITAT wasn't paying attention, SlashingUK and Celtic jumped into the water and attatched explosives to the HABITAT boat. "Ready, Imperials?" "Tis a holiday, nay?" Sparhawke swam to the B-Team boat along with Slashing and Celtic, and climbed aboard. "Till the morrow, yes, Americans?" The B-Team boat sped away while Goliath pressed a button. The front end of the ship exploded and the fire spread. Vera, Gillis, and Fshi stood on land, away from the boat. "Oh no, it's too late for Dwarrior!" said Vera. "Not if I can help it." Gillis ran as fast as his Jew-legs could, jumping like no Jew had ever jumped before. He rushed into the flames and picked up Dwarrior. With one last explosion booming, Gillis jumped in slow motion to the river, with Dwarrior over his shoulders. "You owe me one, halfling!" PALACE OF AFRICA, 2000 HOURS Yelo slammed his phone on the dinner table in disgust. "What is it?" asked Xrvn. "The B-Team... they agreed to cease fire between us and them... but they turned on us." Yelo sighed. "Ah, Yelo. I have dealt with the British Empire and... mercenaries.. many times before. I may be the ruler of a third world land, but I love America. After all, if it wasn't for America, who else would win FIFA? Spain? France? Britain? PSH. I do not have much, but I have one thing I can offer: protection." "Are you sure?" asked Matt. "You have a country to run." "Yes, I am sure. If America falls, who's next? Britain is not only a threat to America. Britain is a threat to everyone. Now then... you have the tools, you best be off. When you need my assistance, give me your word." BRITISH BASE CAMP, 2000 HOURS "ENOUGH!" roared the anonymous British leader over the phone. "I want all of you to understand that we need to stop fiddling around. The point is not to kill the American elites. It is to do what must be done. I want all of you to be in Somalia tomorrow. The B-Team can handle these American pests." CONGO RIVER, 2020 HOURS Yelo, Matt, Venom, and Man returned to the site of the boat, finding nothing. "Dammit!" said Venom. "They're gone! I don't know what happens next, but it probably won't be good." "It probably won't." said Blad, stepping out of the thick of the jungle. He was shirtless and ragged after dealing with the dangers of the jungle. "Come on out, everyone." Raz entered, with Steve following him. They both carried rifles. "Where's Goliath?" Goliath entered with a large hand cannon. Steve laughed. "Way to overcompensate, Gol. So, Blad. Let's get this over with." CONGO JUNGLE, 2020 HOURS Vera, Dwarrior, Gillis, and Fshi weren't sure where they were going, but they needed to find someone who could help them find their way to the Palace of Africa. They abruptly stopped walking as they encountered four familiar faces. "Well hellloooooo there, Miss Vera." Darren grinned. He was joined by Definitoin, Fraff, and Lilshu. "It looks like we meet again... and this time, you're at the disadvantage. Injured by the flames, lacking your leader, lost in the jungle... give up already and you'll live." HAWAII, 2030 HOURS Armed with two hand guns, Stephen Colbert rolled under a closing metal door and at last infiltrated the secret base of the B-Team. He opened up another door and walked in to a darkened wide open room. The nice wood floors were covered by a fancy Persian rug, but it was too dark to notice a lot of details. On the opposite side of the room, Colbert could see the back of a chair in front of a fireplace. "Alright you." shouted Stephen. "Whoever you are... leading the B-Team... this is treachery. We thought that the B-Team was a proud American mercenary gang, like... like Blackwater. Explain yourself! Who are you?" The chair rotated. It was none other than Papa Bear himself, Bill O'Reilly. "Welcome to my island, Stephen. It is a pleasure to meet you, but I need not to explain myself. Your curiosity will be your doom. You have fallen for my trap. Let's see how your HABITAT can mange now. Guards!" Two muscular guards entered the room and stood behind Stephen, grinning wickedly. "O'REILLY!!!" scramed Stephen as he raised his fist in anger. The guards carried Colbert away whilst O'Reilly cackled in laughter. Part IV - Gundown at Sundown Part IV: Gundown at Sundown CONGO RIVER, 2030 HOURS Blad, Raz, Steve, and Goliath were well-armed and prepared to fight. Yelo, Matt, Venom, and Man were not. It all went by like a flash. Soon enough, Venom, Yelo, Matt, and Man were on their knees with guns pointed at their heads. "How about we handle this Texas style?" suggested Blad. Raz sighed. "Blad, you might be Texas-born, but you grew up in New England. Shut up." "Well yeah," replied Blad, "But what else should I do? I'm Matthew McConaughey, dammit!" Steve smacked Blad and Raz on the back of the head. "Cut the crap. Tell us the plan, Goliath." Goliath snickered in evil delight. "Oh, there's no way we're letting them die... yet. The British are on their way to Somalia, and I'm sure it would be a pleasant surprise if we brought in these four HABITAT fools." Steve grinned. "I like that plan! How about we do a loud, evil laugh routine?" Goliath shook his head. "We're chaotic neutral, not chaotic evil. We don't do evil laughs." CONGO JUNGLE, 2040 HOURS Vera, Dwarrior, Fshi, and Gillis were in the same situation, except instead of being on their knees, they were hanging upside down from trees by their feet. Darren, Definition, and Lilshu sat on a stump, eating watermelon, as Fraff pointed the gun and did the talking. "You know, some people would like to kidnap you, imprision you, and hold it out. But as anyone who's seen a movie knows, that would be a bad idea. It's guaranteed that at some point, you'll break free, and win in the end. Well, THAT ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN. I'm going to shoot you all, right here, and solve this problem once and for all." "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!" roared something not too far away. It sounded a bit less like a bear, and more like a man impersonating a bear. Fraff, alarmed, turned around, looking for this surprise. "Who goes there?!?!" barked Fraff. The man leaped down from a tree. He was wearing a long furry coat and wore a helmet shaped like a bear's head. "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT WHAT DO WE DO?!" screamed Lilshu. "Quiet you!" said Darren. He grabbed his rifle. "I've hunted plenty of bears. We have guns. This'll be easy." The bear chuckled a little bit and drew an AK-47 from his coat. "You'sa stupids! I'm notsa yousa regular bear, I'ms an Italiano!" "What the hell is going on?" said Definition. Gillis laughed. "Unlike your British employers, we Americans support our right to arm bears." The bear fired his gun at the ropes, breaking free the HABITAT members. The HABITAT members jumped at the B-Team members and grabbed their guns. "Get lost!" The B-Team ran away in fear. Dwarrior approached the bear and shook his hand. "So. Who are you?" The bear took his helmet off. "Neil Patrick Harris in a bear suit?!?!" The bear shook his head. "Whatsa this sposed ta be, Harold & Kumar 3? No, I'm Dani." "Thank you, Dani." said Gillis. "Would you like to join us on our mission?" "No thanks." said Dani. "I's-a be on my journey back ta the forests of Italia." And with that, Dani dashed back into the thick of the jungle. "@%&*# that @#$&*ing $@%& bear!" yelled Fshi. CONGO RIVER, 2130 HOURS Gillis, Vera, Dwarrior, and Fshi finally arrived at the point the boat was at. They found nothing. "Dammit!" roared Gillis. "They were supposed to return here... I wonder where they are." "%@#* hobbit @#$! in the *%#*! tree", observed Fshi. "What's that?" Vera looked up. "Hey, yeah, that guy looks... BRITISH!" Dwarrior fired a shot at the tree. The mysterious man was not hit, but he fell to the ground in shock. The HABITAT operatives were quick to notice the Team Imperial badge on his shirt. And then, the Brit, identified as Fatalysm, hanged by the feet from a tree (HABITAT, having first-hand experience with this, were quite familiar with this). The interrogation went on, but it was hard to get a word out of him. "Any ideas?" asked Vera. "I've got one!" Gillis ran towards Fatalysm , ducked down, and sent a strong uppercut towards Fatalysm's groin. Surprisingly, Fatalysm did not react strongly to the attack. "It's a good thing I brought something special." said Dwarrior. He pulled two Killers concert tickets from his pocket. "This is one thing that young Brits can't resist... a Killers concert. So, how about it, Fatalysm? Care to tell us the plan? A weekend in the city with your best buddy, seeing the Killers. You cannot resist." Fatalysm cringed, but blurted out everything. "OKAY! W'we'tol't'gi'y'al'sho', 'cept'th'un'y'cal'yelo, 'cos'e'wou'b'a'goo'pris'na, an'th'B'T'm'an'th'Brits'b'eaded't'S'malia." "I don't..." Gillis looked around. "Anyone who understand British and could translate that?" "*&$# B-Team took !@#$ Yelo *&^% to #$@! Somalia." "Thanks, Fshi!" OUTSIDE OF MOGADISHU, SOMALIA, 600 HOURS Yelo, Matt, Venom, and Man were thrown into a small jail. This jail was only one cell large and was underground, with a large metal door covering it. Above the cell, armed British guards stood vigilantly whilst other Brits discussed important matters in a nearby building. "I... I can't believe this". Venom sulked. "It's all... lost. We have no chance of defeating the British now! We've... we've failed Stephen... we've failed America... we've failed freedom." "No! We still have something!" said Man. "Really? I don't see anything!" Man shook his head. "When I was a boy, there was nothing. Nothing but poverty. Why, I would call it a miracle if I could find a nickel so I could see the picture show! But no matter what conditions there are... we will always have one thing that keeps us going. One thing that no evil-doer, be they a Brit, a mercenary, a homosexual, or even an atheist, could ever take away. It's called... faith." Man took a triumphant stand. "Faith in Jesus Christ, our only saviour, whom the LORD sent down to Earth to die for our sins. For every Ramses, there is a Moses. And for every Pilate, there is a Christ. And for every Christ, there is a Judas. Now, you decide, men. Are you going to be Jesus, who never gave up, even when he was nailed to a cross? Or are you going to be Judas, the doubting one, the one who would betray everything he believed in?" Man put a hand on Venom's shoulder and paused. "Faith, my friends. Faith is all we need." CONGOLESE BLACK MARKET, CONGO RIVER, 700 HOURS Gillis, Vera, Dwarrior, and Fshi hid behind trees, just outside of a shady Congolese black market. "READY, TEAM?" asked Gillis. "READY!" said Dwarrior and Vera in unison, with Fshi following with a "&$%#!". They readied their rifles. "GO!" shouted Gillis. Following this shout came total chaos. The bullets of HABITAT surprised the Congolese thugs. Some of the thugs attempted to fight back, but they were shot before they could even reach for the trigger. Soon enough, some of them were dead, and the rest had escaped. "Dwarrior!" shouted Vera. "This place is immoral! They have DURGS!" "It doesn't matter." said Dwarrior. "We can't go off-track to stop durg trafficking! We need to fulfill our objective. Fshi's waiting for us!" Vera nodded and ran towards a helicopter which Fshi was stealing from the Congolese thugs. It was their only way to quickly reach Somalia. Gillis and Dwarrior quickly grabbed weapon crates, and loaded them onto the helicopter. Everyone was aboard, and Fshi took flight. HAWAII, 800 HOURS Stephen Colbert cackled as he shot an O'Reilly henchman with his trusted pistol. Though he seemed like an easy pushover, Colbert knew how to put up a good fight. With a new sense of confidence and power, Colbert broke into O'Reilly's room. "GUARDS!" screamed O'Reilly. "That sounds practical, doesn't it?" asked Stephen. "Well, it's not practical anymore. You see, O'Reilly, your guards have no use when they're dead." Stephen approached O'Reilly and pointed the gun at Bill's forehead. "For too long, you've been crusading as a hero of American culture and a warrior of truth. Yet.. it was all a lie. You're not any of those two things, and you are not any of many other things. You've been a servant of this biased, Euro-loving liberal media all of this time. Papa Bear, the world needs you no more. From this day onward, I, Stephen T. Colbert, will be Papa Bear!" Stephen pulled the trigger and blew Bill O'Reilly's brains out. "Threat down."